Telling My Stories

A life lived outside

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Bringing Out the Worst in Me

Posted by catkisser on August 5, 2009

It’s past time, way past time.

I cannot write to anything “trans” anymore because it is so damn crazy making, the entire communities are so unwilling to compromise on anything, the writing and back and forth so damn entitled I cannot stand it anymore.

When I first transitioned I was utterly shunned by the local gender community, especially the transsexual one because I refused to
transition on any terms but my own, rejected the “revealed wisdom” and would not go to the local gender clinic cult. And make no mistake, it
was a cult.

I had already, pre-transition, established a new circle of friends, all non trans women, (I refuse to use that ‘cis’ nonsense) mostly lesbian, a
few bisexual women. I received almost total immediate acceptance there. I was immediately just one of the “girls”. My history was only
mentioned rarely and when actually appropriate, never thrown in my face even once. I fit, I was finally home, for the first time in my life I
came out of my loner shell… and I let my one remaining trans-woman friend drag me back into trans activism, at least online. I regret that
to this day.

I am a very compassionate woman, one who tries to address wrongs which saw me involved in a wide variety of causes my entire life. I let
transness back in. Big mistake. It still is. It has brought almost no joy into my life, only stress, abuse and people I wish I’d never met but
still I tried to advocate for them, help them. I simply cannot do so anymore. They bring out the worst in me and I do not like that at all
and cannot afford that in my position as head of a faith that is centred about the Divine Feminine principles of the universe.

Trans people seem incapable of any compromises on anything. Most seem to lack any empathy for others. Most apparently cannot see any position but their own. It’s not hard to understand why, I’ve written essays in the past that mention the reason. In order to maintain a sense of your own
identity in the face of a world that continues to tell you otherwise, you almost are forced to become stubborn beyond belief and absolutely
iron willed in your own position just to survive……

But that should change when you do, and all too often it doesn’t. An infant sees only mirrors of herself but as she grows, one by one those
mirrors become other people. Other people, with their own lives, their own opinions, their own ways of viewing the world. This is the essence
of growing out of childhood. Of becoming human. And I raised my daughter and feel I’m too old to raise an entire community of people who
will not grow up.

When I moved to upstate New York it was to pool resources with three other women of trans backgrounds to try to create something unique, an
actual supportive trans embracing women’s home. We located and bought an old run down former Catskill Resort Inn, 18 bedrooms and sets of
“rules”, the most basic being you had to be fully transitioned to live here. Pretty basic eh? The idea was a women’s home with a bend towards
Women’s Spirituality since the three of us in actual residence were Priestess’s of the Goddess.

The very first “trans woman” to join us lied about everything right from the start. Not transitioned, none of the resources to contribute we were
told, a tranny hooker. This set a pattern for the next couple of years.

Oh we tried like hell to be accommodating given “she”‘d move from the South and had no place to go. We found ourselves covering ALL of the
living expenses, our various rules broken over and over and finally that “she” was running her whoring using our post office box and telephone
number! Finally, when there was a confrontation with a street girl we took in from NYC that nearly went to a knife fight, we told her to leave
immediately. “She” refused and forced us to court action even though a declaimer had been signed that stated our right to do exactly that.
This person owned only male clothing and latex slutwear.

I could go on with more stories, there were a lot of them. Mixed in were some actual women (trans variety) but not a single non trans woman.

Then came the year and a half of literal hell, the less said about it the better. Today we are undoing physical damages to the property still but
now it is a thriving, if poor Women’s Spirituality Centre and the Convent home of our priestesses.

I am a gentle woman by nature. A perpetual “mother” to most who come into my life. A nurturer by nature… and I want to return to that
completely without the battles, bullshit, drama that anyone trans identified seems to bring my life. Women identified women finally live here for the first time. Women visitors outnumber the “trans” women now, again for the first time… life is better. I really missed that. I thrive in a woman’s world. And I cannot go back into those dark mindsets that seem to be the entirety of transland and it’s mindset. Not because of the pain of the past but because it is a dark way of thinking that I fear will drag me in and bring out the worst impulses that lurk in all our deep psyche, wanting to strike back rather than walk away as I long ago learned to do….so I walk away.


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